Good day Austin:
In the off-chance that you didn’t rise at 2 this morning to watch Alex Jones’ live stream of Julian Assange’s news conference via video link in Berlin, do yourself a favor and steal three hours out of your day to watch it right here.
Actually, I missed the first 90 minutes and you’re fine if you just start watching two hours in when Assange finally appears on the screen. From then on it’s a thoroughly brilliant, bravura blend of Wayne’s World, Mystery Science Theater, Beavis and Butthead, South Park, Weekend Update, Masterpiece Theater and, of course, Alex Jones and company.
This was supposed to be Hillary Clinton’s Y2K. Assange was going to WikiLeak all over her and Clinton was going to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West.
“This is going to devastate Hillary and this is going to be, quote, the end of the Clinton,” Jones said on his show Monday, bursting at the seams with energy and anticipation.
Jones had been heavily promoting the event.
Roger Stone, a frequent Jones guest, had hyped it as well.
(The Assange event was originally scheduled for Wednesday.)
But, here is what happened this morning, according to Melissa Eddy in the New York Times.
BERLIN — Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, promised on Tuesday to release “significant material” over the next 10 weeks about arms, Google, mass surveillance, oil, the United States election and war.
Speaking via a video link at a news conference in Berlin to mark a decade since the inception of WikiLeaks, Mr. Assange vowed that his organization would continue to provide a platform for the release of classified documents held by the United States and by other governments and institutions in positions of global power.
“We hope to be publishing every week for the next 10 weeks, we have on schedule, and it’s a very hard schedule, all the U.S. election-related documents to come out before Nov. 8,” said Mr. Assange, who made his announcement from the Ecuadorean Embassy in London, where he has been living since 2012. “Our upcoming series includes significant material on war, arms, oil, Google, the U.S. elections and myself.”
WikiLeaks used the occasion of its 10th anniversary to trumpet some of its most prominent releases of information, including documents about the United States detention camp at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba; files about the wars in Iraq and in Afghanistan; United States diplomatic cables; and Democratic Party emails that were made public on the eve of the party’s convention in Philadelphia.
The remarks from Mr. Assange disappointed many followers of WikiLeaks in the United States, who had stayed up into the early hours hoping to hear information relevant to the presidential election.
Although Mr. Assange promised to release such documents before the election on Nov. 8, he said, “If we are going to make a major publication, we don’t do it at 3 a.m.” in the United States.
He dismissed speculation that the documents related to the United States election would contain information intended to damage the candidacy of Hillary Clinton, the Democratic nominee. The idea that “we intend to harm Hillary Clinton, or I intend to harm Hillary Clinton, or I don’t like Hillary Clinton, all those are false,” Mr. Assange said.
What? What! WHAT!?!?
And here is where Jones & Co. rose to the occasion, Turning on a dime to stay true to their ideals, they didn’t spend a second trying to rationalize or apologize for Assange, but instead turned on him with a madly entertaining vengeance, producing a video for the ages that was posted within minutes of the live stream’s conclusion as, Full WikiLeaks Press Conference: Assange Trolls the World.
Just in case you don’t get a chance to watch it, or you want a sneak preview, here are some highlights.
By way of background, as I mentioned, the live stream was going for two hours before Assange appeared. The production values of the Assange event were early cable access, while the production values at Jones’ Infowars set in Austin were state of the art Howard Stern.
And Assange, in his “truth” Tee, spoke in a muffled voice that was barely audible through the lousy sound system. And virtually every other word was “um.”
All the quotes below are from Jones, except where otherwise noted. Owen Shroyer is Jones’ co-host for the live stream.
Not long into Assange’s hard-to-hear remarks, Jones realized he’d been- they’d been – had.
Is it true. Yes it’s true. This man has no dick.
(Cackling). He did the big tell. He said “by the end of the year.” They’re going to wait until the election is over and then release whatever it is.
(Owen Shroyer) Who’s got a bigger man piece? Michelle Obama or Julian Assange right now? (Don’t ask. This is another Jones hobbyhorse.)
Let’s go back to Julian Assange. Who I liked until this moment. I’m having a real problem.
It’s karma. We troll a lot. We’ve been trolled.
Now he’s going to hawk some products. (Jones is referring to Assange, but seamlessly segues into a pitch for Infowars products, including “non-GMO heirloom seeds … you will get some real vegetables, fruit trees, you name it.”)
Dude, I can’t believe you just trolled the world. He could have released more documents and then plugged his book. (Jones pitches Hillary for prison shirts. Bill Clinton Rape shirts. … true iodine, liver cleanser.”)
(Assange holds up his book.) Oh my god. This is like Home Shopping Network.
I tell you. This is a joke. This was fop world. He made a deal folks. My gut tells me. I can’t prove it. He made a deal. He said, “”after the election. He said “at the end of the year.” He made a deal.
(mimicking Assange with an effete accent.) I’m sorry. We don’t release documents at 3 a.m. but we make everyone tune in to do it so Julian Assange can troll us.
The name of this is “Julian Assange trolls the world worse than Al Capone’s vault.”
(Owen Shroyer) He’s coming across like a bit of a cuck. (From Wikipedia: Cuckservative is a neologistic epithet formed as a portmanteau of the word cuckold and the political designation conservative. It has become an increasingly popular pejorative label used within the conservative movement and among white supremacists in the United States.)
He said, “By the end of the year. ” Hey buddy. There’s two months to he end of the year after the election.
WE HAVE 34 DAYS, 34 DAYS TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM HILLARY CLINTON WHO WANTS TO KILL YOU!
Man I have never been trolled like this.
You’ve got two choices, Assange. Give us the data or go to the Easter Bunny place.
(Owen Shroyer) Is this the death of WikiLeaks?
This is Hillary’s October surprise. Julian Assange trolling the world is Hillary’s October surprise. Julian Assange is a Hillary butt plug.
(Owen Shroyer) I’m not sure you can say that on TV, Alex.
(Moment of introspection) When you’re showering at 1 a.m. you’re like, what the hell am I into?
(Back to Assange) You were going to release devastating information that would destroy Hillary Clinton and the indictments would follow.
Indictment. Indictment. Where is he evidence? 34 days.
(Mocking Assange’s interior monologue) “Do you realize how suave I am?”
(More mocking Assange, with accent “We don’t release things at 3 a.m.”
But we will release them at the end of the year. WHEN IT DOESN’T MATTER.
(Assange) There are a lot of fascinating angles …
OK. That’s enough. We may go back to the feed but I’m going to let the crew go home and get some sleep.
Ladies and gentleman, we are not losers because we got trolled by Julian Assange. He’s done some good work in the past. We know he’s under a lot of pressure, being threatened.
But he’s promising this damning, totally destructive evidence and then he doesn’t release, 34 days out, and now he’s saying he’ll release it before the end of the year. So that smacks of a sell-out.
They claim they are going to be releasing documents every few days but I know they tweeted out and said “damning evidence,” “decisive information,” that Hillary Clinton was done.
This is what they were saying. It’s what they said through intermediaries. It’s what they said to our sources. And then he makes this little joke and smiles and, “I don’t tell you this stuff at 3 a.m.” Well it’s 5:30 a.m. bro’ Eastern Time, 4:30 as we speak, exactly. Central Time.
WikiLeaks said they will publish enough evidence to indict Hillary Clinton. That was back on June 13. So we just kept hearing this.
They are doing important work. but when you don’t have the documents, when you don’t have more you don’t sit there and troll people for the (WikiLeaks) tenth anniversary and make yourself look big and have a bunch of weird, lazy liberals – `Oh I’m not actually with WikiLeaks – combing their hair to make sure it sticks up, “Oh I look like I don’t care. Oh, hey, I’m liberal.”
(mocking liberals fixing their hair to make it look casually wild.)
There was a huge buildup. The media will make a big victory out of this. “Oh it was supposed to be this big release and he didn’t give anything out. Ha, ha, ha. It’s all crap.” So thanks a lot Assange. Really, thanks for nothing.
He has really hurt himself. I know how the world works, how the Web works. You have really done it buddy boy. You better release it all within 12 hours, or you’re done.
(Off camera voice ) We’ve been Wiki rolled. That’s what they’re saying on Twitter.
We’ve been Wiki rolled.
(Then, in the emotional high point of the whole live stream, Jones begins singing Ludacris, joined by Schroyer, thought it’s really Jones’ voice that carries the day.)
Move bitch, get out da way, get out da way
(Back to speaking) I mean get out da way man. You think you bitched us? You think you rolled us? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
I’m rollin’ Hillary. I’m the dark heart. We ain’t backin’ down. Just because you’re a fake jump don’t think we are.
Get ready. I’ll double down because of this. I won’t be associated with you.
He sold out to Hillary. That’s my gut.
(closing message to viewers) InfoWars will never sell out like Assange because we can’t. It’s in our guts. It’s in our blood. It’s who we are. We will fight for this Republic till the end. If Trump goes sideways we’ll expose him. We can’t help it.